Broken Monotone
by Exploading albino potato
Summary: After the Kira case Near's years of suppressed feelings begin to take their toll and he succumbs to depression. Meanwhile Ciel Phantomhive grows bored and with doing nothing but bossing around Funtom's employees and drinking earl grey tea. When he meets his most eccentric customer, he relizes that maybe he can do more for him than just sell him his dice. DISCONTIUED!
1. Chapter 1

I folded the last article of clothing: a plain white collared shirt and put it into the single suitcase I was bringing. I was only taking one because that was all I could carry and I didn't want to be accompanied.

Once I had finished filling the suitcase with white shirts, pants, and light colored jeans. I also put in my laptop. Then I took a clear plastic bag and began filling it with some of my toys. A couple rubber duckies, a plane, a toy car, two robots, and my finger puppets. The puppets were all wrapped up in tissue paper in a shoe box that came from the new pair of sneakers I sent Gevanni out to get me.

Still, there was room in the bag for one more thing I wasn't even sure I should bring. When I was six I arrived at Whammy's house. In my suitcase I had a smallish silver robot with two antennas and red eyes. It was the only one of my toys I had with me, because I the rest were broken. Upon hearing about the car crash that caused death of my parents I smashed every toy I owned against the black tar of my driveway. Every one except that robot, simply because I hadn't noticed it under my bed when I returned to my bedroom, crying. I realized I was like that robot, all alone surrounded by a crushed world. I decided to spare its nonexistent life and keep it with me.

My first friend was a blonde boy named Mello. Despite the fact that he was almost two years older than me, we became friends, probably because we were both the smartest at Whammy's . At that age, I looked up to him. I admired his courage. There was a time when Matt's kite got stuck at the top of a tree and Mello climbed all the way up to get it. He always pranks people, like when he spent hours each day searching for crickets in the grass all summer. He stored then in a big jar with a lid. On the first day that school resumed he released them all throughout the orphanage, and classes started three hours later than scheduled.

I sighed and stuffed it my bag. Attachment to objects is so silly.

Slowly I shuffled out of my bedroom with the suitcase and bag and down the hall and stairs. I had already informed everyone I was leaving for a bit and asked that they would not bother me.

Outside the fall wind made me shiver. I didn't even have a coat. Sighing I dragged my feet across the sidewalk aimlessly.

The sky was dull and grey, chilly wind blew in my face. An acing feeling made my chest hurt. I didn't quite understand it. Was this feeling...loneliness?

I kept ambling down the black sidewalk, weaving in an out of allies between buildings while the darkening sky bathed everything in in a monochrome grey. It was strange I found this so disconcerting, I had a fondness for monochrome shades myself.

Just under my breath, barely audibly, I whispered my name. Nate River...Nate River...Nate River There was no one around to here it. And if there was I didn't care. If they had a Death Note, and the will to kill me, than so be it.

Nate River.

I whispered it over and over as the sky faded to black, until it no longer had any meaning.


	2. Chapter 2

I, Ciel Phantomhive sat in cushioned red a chair behind my desk sipping my favored beverage: Earl Grey tea. It was a quiet day, and a boring one at that.

I was not happy.

Of coarse I was never happy. Or at least I never showed it. I always acted bored and nonchalant. I was easily annoyed, although seriously, my life has too many things to be annoyed about. I've heard my employee/butler (yes some people still have butlers these days...problem?) Sebastian mutter about how I'm a complete and utter brat when he thinks I can't hear. Well it would behoove him to just shut up because I'm the one who pays him!

I tucked a lock of my black hair behind my ear, and realized something else annoying. One of my small blue earrings was missing. Today just keeps on getting more and more irritable.

I was still grumpy when I returned from my bedroom where I got a new pair of earrings, and plopped back down in the armchair, resting my cheek on my fist

I was often in a bad mood but this was different...It wasn't just my usual attitude. It felt like something deeper had been manifesting inside of me. There was something I wanted. Something I craved...

Maybe I just needed cake.

SEBASTIAN!

The young man was there in an instant.

"Yes sir?" He asked. I could tell he was trying to mask the annoyance in his tone.

Tch, I didn't care if he was annoyed or not. I wanted cake, dammit!

"Get me some cake. Strawberry if you please."

"Yes sir." He replied, and briskly strode away to fetch my desired confection.

I took out some paperwork from my desk and as started looking over my work, in an attempt to distract my mind from the ever growing feeling of unpleasantness. Now that I thought of it, I had been feeling this way for a while, but each day this emotion grew stronger.

I didn't know how to describe it. If I had to, I would say if felt like an ache in my chest...almost physical, but not quite.

Sighing, I lead my head up against the cushion of my armchair. I realized that sebastian had placed the strawberry cake on the dark wood of my desk.

I picked up the fork next to it and jabbed it into the sweet. As I ate the cake, my mind was temporarily relived of it's burden of thinking of this strange and displeasing feeling I'd been getting.


	3. Chapter 3

The sky was now an inky black, spangled with twinkling white stars.

I was much colder than before, to the point where I was shivering. My legs felt tired from wandering the streets for so long.

Thankfully I found a hotel. Walking up the desk, I turned to my side expecting to see Commander Rester, but I didn't. For a split-second I panicked remembering I was on my own now. I didn't usually take care of these things myself. I did however, manage to pull myself together and get a room.

The hotel room had white walls and light cream colored sheets on the bed. It was small, but I did not need a lot of space.

Being alone felt so strange to me. It's funny, I have no family, no friends, and the one person who supposedly loved me is died a few months ago, yet I hate being alone. All my life there was always someone there for me, weather it be my parents, Roger, or the SPK, I was never ever truly alone.

Now I had no one with me, and nothing to keep me from falling apart.

I put down my things and found my box of puppets. I knew exactly which one I wanted. I found my silver robot and put on the bed with the finger puppet, then lay down and slipped the puppet onto my finger, pressing it to my cheek.

Would it hurt? Crying that is? I know it sounds like a ridiculous question, but I hadn't cried in so long I didn't even remember what it felt like. I hadn't cried since I was an overly sensitive six year old who arrived at Whammy's house sniffling. I felt so miserable about my parents that I ran into the room I was assigned and cried for an insufferably long time. I walked out showing no emotion. My eyes were a little red but that was it. I never spoke unless spoken to. I replied to everything in a flat dull monotone. Emotions were for the weak. Watari and all the teachers thought it was just a phase, but I never changed. I was somebody else now, for better or for worse.

I guess I was scared. The idea of crying frightened me because didn't want to be hurt. If you didn't get attached to anything then you couldn't feel any loss. About a a couple years ago is when is when I screwed up.

At first, Mello and Matt and I all lived in the Special Provision for Kira building. I was probably just a little bit too enthusiastic about working with Mello. But how could anyone attracted to males blame me? Almost immediately after departing from Whammy's Mello bought a wardrobe full of shiny, leather, clothes that left little to the imagination. The kind of clothes deemed slutty by many. Everything he now wore would have completely violated the orphanage's dress code.

Working on the case together was everything I could have expected and more. Mello's rude cursing and obnoxiousness, the beeping sounds of Matt's games, my houses of cards being knocked to the floor mere seconds after they were built. Sometimes we got a lot done...sometimes we were...less than productive.

I suppose Mello didn't feel as inferior when he worked alongside me, and when Matt went off to shoot zombies or whatever else he does in those games, we were left alone together.

I'd always liked Mello. The fact that he wasn't really hating me anymore was new, but I couldn't complain. I wanted to say something to him. Something other than a deduction or information about the case. You may think that sounds easy, but not for me since I'm severely lacking in the social skills department. I struggled for days to think of something that was honest, something Mello would want to hear.

One day Mello and Matt came back from shopping. I had stayed home because I only ever go out if its absolutely necessary .Matt was buying games and his friend had acquired more leather clothes.

I kept glancing at him while we worked on the computers and sifted through paperwork. Matt was being indolent again and trying out the new games he got in his room . I though I should do it now...no it was a bad idea...but still...

Finally I got the courage to speak.

"Mello..." I half whispered.

"Yeah?" He replied without taking his eyes off of his paper.

"I...uh...you...y-you look...quite visually appealing ...in those leather garments that you purchased today..."

There I said it.

His eyes shot up and the blonde chuckled. "Wow Near, ""visually appealing?" He made finger quotes. "You mean to say you think I look hot?" He grinned and put his hand on his hip.

"Uhhhh..." I could feel my face getting flushed which doesn't happen very often, but when it did it was always very noticeable.

I started twisting my hair. "Y-yeah I guess that's what I mean..."

"You're such a dork." Mello snickered.

And I smiled.


	4. Chapter 4

I am not confident about this story :( I don't feel that I'm a very good writer so if you would rather not read a crappy story, stop reading now!

I remembered when my parents died. I had felt lost, alone and empty. It was when they died that I realized that life is just a pointless tragedy full of misery and despair.

After my parents died in the fire that destroyed our home, I went to go love with my aunt. I started my own toy company at a young age because I was very talented at making games and playthings.

Last year when I was 17, my aunt was murdered in an ally by some psycho they never managed to catch.  
After that I was on my own, except for Sebastian and Funtom's idiotic employees, Finnian, Meyrin, and Bard.

Sebastian works as my butler. I'm pretty sure he lives alone except for the dozen or so cats he has stuffed in his apartment. It's pathetic really. I will say that he is incredibly talented  
and a hard worker, but that is all. He is merely just one of my many pawns.

That's just my life in a nutshell. It's kind of boring actually. I mostly just tell my employees what to do and check email for orders of toys. On funtom's website there's a link you can click if you want to order something special, or for an exceptionally large quantity of something. There has been one person who has been repetitively ordering large quantities of...dice. I have no idea what they're doing with them, not that it's my business...It's sort of interesting though.

It makes me sort of curious abou other people. I kind of just think that all humans are the same, stupid and ignorant, but are they're any out there like me? Anyone who would understand me...and these beget ice feelings that I felt?

Wait, why do I want someone to understand me? I almost growled in frustration. Life's just stupid. Time to work on some new toy ideas.

Sorry if that was short, this fanfic is starting off kinda slow... *sighs*


	5. Chapter 5

I hope I wrote Near somewhat in character in this chapter. It's a weird one. I'm better at writing Near's character than Ciel's in case you haven't noticed...

* * *

Now I lay half curled up on a hotel bed planning to purge myself of every bit of bottled up emotion.

I tried to convince myself that it would be okay to cry because nobody was watching me, and nothing bad would happen if I did. The idea still felt strange and foreign to me.

I was going to force myself to cry. Well, maybe "force" isn't the right word...somehow I didn't think it would be very difficult.

The sadness I had been feeling had started to seep through the cracks in the flawless facade I used to be able to put on effortlessly. Now it was starting to become apparent to my coworkers that something was wrong. The thought of breaking down uncontrollably in front f someone was almost sickening to me. And I had come pretty close to losing my composure several times too many. So I figured that just letting it all out at once like I did before. Then I could finally be hap-erm, emotionless again.

I lifted my Mello puppet to look at it. No, not it. HIM. He sneered at me and I suddenly felt something in my chest, a sort of pain, accompanied yearning, longing, desire. Right now Mello would probably be calling me weak. Right now, he'd be smiling just like the puppet.

"Silly Near!" He'd smirk. "Aren't you supposed to have no feelings? I didn't think you were more than a robot..."

Mello knew I wasn't a robot, but he still wouldn't miss out on any opportunities to tease me about it.

For all I knew he could be smiling. He could be saying or thinking those very thought made the back of my eyeballs sting with salt water. This feeling was familiar... but distant.

"Mello...I..." My voice sounded strangled. Talking to a puppet seemed stupid, so why was feeling so sad while doing it? I felt wetness start to drip down the bridge of my nose. I curled up in a ball and pressed my knees into my chest. I trembled and I could hear myself breathing quickly and audibly. Involuntary noises emitted from my throat, turning into sobs. I was...crying. Supposedly this was normal for a grieving person, but it felt... like something that shouldn't happen to me. I wasn't a normal person so why should silly things this interfere with my life?

Now I couldn't stop thinking of everything awful that I'd bottled up over the years, getting picked on and isolated at Whammy's watching the SPK members die, and most noticeably Mello's death. I responded to all those events with a cold stare and equally cold words. Looks can be deceiving, they say.

Mello was the person who's contagious emotions I just couldn't block out. I remembered. every detail of him, from the way he growled when he talked, to how passionately he snapped chocolate. He had such a temper, and always took it out on his food...or me. I never knew if the blonde demon would hold me gently and ruffle my hair, or sneak up from behind me so he could sink his teeth into the soft skin of my neck. I missed his unpredictability, his anger and lust and love, all tangled together.

Right now I just wished he were here, whether he was holding me tightly and petting my hair or using me as a human punching bag. Either way, his presence would have been comfort to me.

My fists curled around the sheets on the hotel bed. I couldn't deal with this emotion, I just...just couldn't! Something painful felt like it was detonating inside me. My breathing started getting faster, turning into panting. I was beyond the point of being able to talk and make sense, all could do was choke out infantile sobbing noises, weeping uncontrollably into one of the pillows, spilling twelve years worth tears.

"Why...?" I hiccuped..."whhhhyyyyyy? "I hate it I hate it..." I whined, my words were barely coherent, I probably sounded like a mentally ill person, not that that was very far off from the truth.

After what seemed like hours of weeping, mumbling incompressible gibberish, and letting my emotions completely posses me, I ran out of tears to cry.

I whimpered and sniffed but after metaphorically sobbing my heart out, I swore I'd never cry again. I turned out to be wrong, but at the time I didn't see how shedding another teardrop was even possible.

I just wanted to sleep, my lugubrious bout of weeping combined with walking around so much had exhausted me. I lay my head down on the pillow and felt wetness on my cheek. I flipped it over to the side that wasn't stained with tears and curled up again, forgetting to brush my teeth.


	6. Chapter 6

This story is being discontinued. You are welcome to adopt it, if you really want to.


End file.
